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| I just want to stay at UCR. | | |
| Lately I've been making a lot of choices that may seem questionable, and one of them is this. All my friends make fun of me when I listen to world music or go to those classes and clubs. There are exactly two reasons why I do it.
Reason 1:
I do it because I enjoy the music. Granted, I may not enjoy all of it, but some of it is really captivating. Music has always done strange things for me, and maybe that's why I'm more open to hearing/learning other types beyond those from just my own culture. It's an amazing experience being able to get a glimpse into the lives of people around the world simply through their music. I know it may sound silly, and cool/hip people around me may not understand, but I don't feel like putting up a front anymore. They say grade school is hard, but do you remember why it was so tough? It wasn't particularly the learning material that was so difficult, it was because of all the social dealings we did back then. I've spent a large portion of my life playing it "cool," but now I think I should really put an end to it once and for all. So here's the plain truth, I like music and I like trying to understand other people's lives. I'm so sick of caring so much about what others think of me. Sometimes I really feel myself losing it over trying to impress others. So to the hip people of my culture, I like country, 80's music, oldies, and music from around the world. To the conservative church goers, I like rock music that may sing about the most awful things one may encounter in this life. To those that are in bands that think the rest of the world are sellouts, I enjoy hip hop, rap, and "mainstream" music they broadcast on the radios.
Reason 2:
I go to those clubs because I can't be left alone. I tend to brood about things when I am. There's someone I've met that's made a huge impact on me. Now that he's no longer in my life, I can't stand it. It's been really tough for me to admit this to most people, but yes, I'm having a hard time dealing with a lost relationship. I never thought stuff like this would get me down, but here I am. It pains me inside to know that I can no longer talk to him. I miss him with every spare moment of my day, and it hasn't gotten any easier. There are still moments where I don't know how I can carry on, but somehow make it through anyway. Break-ups are hard, I've learned, because it can literally feel like that person has died. Well, for me at least, because he's completely out of my life. Thinking about the moments we've had together brings me to tears every time. I'm not okay and I'm not fine, and I hate having to pretend like I am. "Get over it," is what I keep hearing from those around me. But you don't understand, you can't... experiences are different for everyone. Though you can readily label it as just another "break-up," you don't know what I'm going through because you're not me, and your relationships weren't exactly like the one I've been through. So do me a favor, and stop stereotyping it for me. I know break-ups are ordinary, and lots of people have gone through them, but nothing's exactly the same. Going to world music classes/clubs takes me away from all the troubles of my own life, and allows me to just forget everything for a second. I know it seems like I'm running away from things, but that's what's been keeping me going.
And by the way, I've been trying to not be so depressing around everyone because who wants to hang out/hear about someone else's problems when they've already got enough of that stuff on their own plate. But xanga is where I will write all these things down, and if you're reading this... you've brought it upon yourself. :P | | |
| Man, living at home again takes a toll on me. When I step through the door, I'm greeted with a sea of questions. "How come you're coming home so late?" "Why didn't you pick up your phone?" "How come you didn't call me?" The good thing about this is that the answers are simple: "Didn't feel like coming home yet, and I left my phone in Riverside." I know I'll always be my mom's little girl, but some things change. Especially now, I just don't give crap. Yeah, maybe I'm being mean, but honestly... I don't care. And the conversation ends there tonight because I wanted it to. There's no such thing as getting yelled at for coming home late when you're older. It's just disappointment that fills your parent's eyes when they feel their son/daughter so distant from them, but that's life. Love overflows from ourselves onto others. I can't even make myself happy, let alone those around me. | | |
| You light up again, thinking you've lost your way
The world is the same, and the sun betrays
You walk down the streets, the poor is unchanged
They ask you for some, and you make the exchange
Their eyes are filled with rain,
And you know your's reflect the same pain
How did you get this way?
The shadow by the buildings, hiding people's faces
You climb those steps, and run the same race
Sitting in your seat, you experience no gain
All the decaying hurt, they still remain
How did you get this way?
Life is a mystery, but you can't carry on
Your heart has left, and your passion's gone
Drink another shot just to pass away,
Thinking some day you'll start to pray
You wait for your death, but the end comes too slow
You get a little closer, but your desires they show
How did you get this way?
Losing your faith, you shatter your dreams
Pick another fight, you switch to the other team
When he falls, you throw another punch
Though the blood flows, you jab for the crunch
The death of a boy, you've crossed the line
Ever so still, you stand there observing
Telling yourself it's just another being
How did you get this way?
Monday morning comes, and it all feels the same
You make another choice, waking up to the shame
There are some things you just can't explain
You try to leave, but you're bound by your chains
How did you get this way? | | |
| and I'm alone again.
i really did want you for myself too.
::edit::
I dreamed about him last night, and he was by my side again. I wish I can fall asleep and never wake up. | | |
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